


Held Between Heaven and Hell as They Dance

by GilgaNyan (NarryEm)



Series: Fate/intermezzo; altro [2]
Category: Fate/Zero, Fate/stay night & Related Fandoms
Genre: Angst, Character Study, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Porn With Plot, Post-Canon, Post-Fate/Zero, Pre-Canon, Sex, Smut, Songfic, Yaoi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-27
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-03-28 23:48:24
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13914783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NarryEm/pseuds/GilgaNyan
Summary: Kirei considers this to be his purgatory.  Trapped between the guise of life and release of death, Kirei continues to ‘live’ as a man of faith.  Or perhaps he has fallen down to Hell for he has the Devil himself tempting him at every corner.





	Held Between Heaven and Hell as They Dance

**Author's Note:**

> Title from “Cold” by Aqualung & Lucy Schwartz
> 
> Love this song and since I love me a good angst story, I thought I’d do a songfic exploring Kirei’s psyche. ~~and try not to go too psych major on him xD~~

 

 

 _God and his priests and his kings_  
_All were waiting_  
_All will wait_  
_As they go over_

Kirei had lived a life of solitude.  Such was the life he had chosen when he decided to devote his life to God and abide by His words.  He had prided himself on being faithful to his Lord when he was sent on missions to take lives by the order of the Holy Church.  Even when he was married to a kind woman with his father's blessings, he found himself unable to love her the same way that any other man would have loved his wife.

He did not regret a single thing in his life for he found solace in his faith.  If he was to become an instrument for the Church to use at its disposal, he did not mind at all. 

And then he met the King of Heroes, a depraved, amoral man who took pleasure in taunting others and watching them suffer.  At first, it was easy to dismiss the Heroic Servant’s words as the uttering of a madman.  The King never gave up, somehow finding amusement in Kirei’s responses and resistance.  He always lectured on and on about joy and how it was in a soul’s nature to seek it out in life.

 

  
  
_Held between heaven and hell_  
_As they're dancing_  
_As they dance_

In the end, Kirei turned out to be no more than an ordinary man who could not shake off the sweet words offered by the Devil. 

On the night of Tokiomi’s murder by Kirei’s own hands, Gilgamesh joined Kirei in his bed and taught him all the pleasures that could be gained from physical intimacy.  Kirei was surprised when the prideful Servant allowed Kirei to penetrate him, deigning to lower himself to role of a common prostitute.

“You are wrong, Kirei,” Gilgamesh sneered.  He was looking down at Kirei, his fingernails digging into Kirei’s chest and his face contorted in a mix of pleasure and pain.  “There is nothing degrading about the act of sex.  After all, none of you humans would have been born without these acts.”

Never could Kirei have imagined that the warmth of a human body could be inviting and, admittedly, plausible.

  
_Over and over_  
_Over_  
_Cold_  
_Cold_

 

 

Many times that night, Kirei plunged into Gilgamesh’s body, revelling in the shared heat of their bodies.  When the morning came, it was Kirei who was exhausted from last night, having fallen asleep without realising the fact.  His muscles were sore and his body bore numerous scratches and bitemarks from the Servant whilst Gilgamesh’s body remained unmarred.

“Has no one told you that it is rude to stare at a King so brazenly?” Gilgamesh asked, eyes still closed but Kirei detected a hint of a smile on the ancient King’s lips.

“I thought you have learnt by now that I do not care for the fact that you used to be a tyrant king.  And if I am to continue seeking joy in life, I may as well start by appreciating the simple pleasures in life.”

Gilgamesh must have found Kirei’s answer satisfactory for he did not pest Kirei further on the subject.  They headed to the bathroom together.  Gilgamesh demanded that Kirei service him and Kirei obliged, which led to a quick round of sex in the shower.

 

 

  
_Crimson and bare as I stand_  
_Yours completely_  
_Yours_  
_As we go over_

 

 

When the Fourth Holy Grail War of Fuyuki ended, the Grail granted Kirei a second life, if one could even call his existence that.  His body no longer bore a heartbeat while Gilgamesh achieved incarnation.  Kirei found this fact ironic and bittersweet.

 

“I imagine it to be a message from heaven, that I should return to this age to rule the world,” Gilgamesh gloated, sat poised atop a pile of debris.

“So you have achieved incarnation?”

“Infuriatingly enough.”  Despite the annoyance behind his words, Kirei could detect the barest hint of amusement.

“I can’t believe we struggled over that thing as a wish-granter.  This play remained a farce to the very end.”

“I was shot.”  Kirei raised his hand to his heart but feels no pulse.  “I have no heartbeat.  Did you somehow heal me, Gilgamesh?”

“I couldn’t say,” the King of Heroes answered, looking away from Kirei for a second.  He gazed into Kirei’s eyes as he declared, “To my eyes, you do seem dead.    But we were connected by our pact.   When I regained flesh within that ooze, perhaps you were trapped in some sort of nonsense of your own.”

“You’re saying it granted me life?”  _If you can even call_ this _a form of life, that is._

“All the other Servants are gone, so we are the ones who have won the Holy Grail.  Kirei, behold the result.  If the Grail truly grants the victor’s wish, Kotomine Kirei, what you see is exactly what you most desired.”

Kirei could never forget the sight.  Everywhere he looked, he only saw destruction and death.  Crimson flames and their eerie glow lit up the night skies.  And through it all, Gilgamesh’s eyes shone the same colour as destruction and death around them.

What manner of cruelty and evil that he would live to see that his wish of finding joy lay in such godless emptiness and chaos.  And he had his personal devil, King above all Kings, to watch over him through this ordeal.

 

 

  
_Sing for the lion and lamb_  
_Their hearts are hunting_  
_Still hunts hope_  
_Ever and ever_  
_Ever_

 

 

No matter how many times Kirei and Gilgamesh shared a bed together, no matter how many meals they ate together, no matter how many years passed by, their relationship stood at a stalemate.

 

Contrary to his remarks, Gilgamesh seemed to enjoy his new corporeal body as he often left Fuyuki to travel the world.  When he was back in Fuyuki, he drank an elixir of youth to revert to a child’s body to avoid suspicion.  Gilgamesh in his child form was not as insufferable as his adult form.  In fact, Kirei would go as far as to admit that he preferred Gilgamesh as a kid. 

Some days, the child Gil met up with the children in the neighbourhood and played all day.  His charisma drew in people regardless of gender and age, and he could often charm his way into people’s hearts as well.  He seemed to derive pleasure from being coddled by the adults in the vicinity when he ventured into the downtown area by himself.

 

“How long are you going stay in that child’s body?” Kirei asked, placing a plate of mapo tofu in front of Gil.  Gil pulled a disgusted face as he reached for the bottle of wine across the table.  It was cute how Gil’s arms couldn’t reach it easily.  

Acting on an impulse, Kirei took the bottle and put in out of Gil’s reach.

“Why do you ask?” Gil asked back, pouting.

“There are a lot of things that you cannot do in that child form.  Drinking is one of them.”

“Pervert,” Gil teased, smiling like an angel.  “Are you perhaps getting sexually frustrated?  And I think I should be allowed to drink in this household at least since I am over four thousand years old.”

He opened a portal to his treasury and pulled out a bottle of wine encased in a gold and silver sleeve.  He poured it into a golden goblet in a slow, leisurely manner as if to defy Kirei’s words.  He poured out another glass and slid it across the table. 

“My older self will never admit this, but he feels a pang of jealousy towards me since you do like me better, Kotomine-san.  He’s become more human, shall we say, since the night he achieved incarnation.  And you always treat me with more warmth when I am in this form.”

“Do you mean to complain about that, Gilgamesh?”

Gil shook his head.  “Not if it facilitates my life until the next Holy Grail War.  By the way, how many times am I going to have to ask you to call me ‘Gil’ before you do so?  I told you that my full name reminds me of that egomaniac and prefer the name ‘Gil’.”

The King smirked, taking a bite of his dinner.  “Or perhaps you find pleasure in the way I react.  Perhaps you think that you can goad me into reverting back to my adult self so you can relieve yourself.  Petty tricks won’t work on me, Kotomine.  You should have learnt that by now.”

Kirei had learnt that by now.  He learnt a lot of things about Gilgamesh in the past few years.   He knew that Gilgamesh preferred to sleep on his side, his face buried in Kirei’s chest as if seeking out the warmth of another human’s body.  He also knew understood that Gilgamesh still wished to eradicate the humans of this era. 

He, however, still had not been granted a glimpse into Gilgamesh’s heart, never knowing what the King of Heroes thought of him beyond a convenient sex partner and housemate.

“You’re thinking pretty hard about something, aren’t you?” Gil inquired.

“It is not of importance to you,” Kirei replied.

Gil smiled.  “I know when humans are hiding something.  No matter.  Unlike the other me, I have no interest in prying that out of you.”

Kirei knew that Gil meant it.  Had he been his adult self, Gilgamesh would have tormented Kirei until Kirei disclosed the thoughts to him.  Gilgamesh also would have provoked Kirei into revealing more thoughts beyond it.  Such was the power of his charisma.

And instead of developing an immunity for it, Kirei found himself more and more vulnerable to Gilgamesh’s charms as the days, months, and years went on.

 

 

  
_Cold_  
_Cold_

 

 

What was hope?  Kirei saw it in the eyes of the other residents in Fuyuki.  He saw it in the flowers and trees planted by the streets downtown.  He saw it persist everywhere he looked.

But he never felt it in his own dead, unmoving heart.

 

 

“Any animal desires to live and proliferate,” Gilgamesh jeered, pouring himself a glass of wine.  He had just returned from his trip to Iraq.  The first thing he did upon his return was to plop down on the sofa and start drinking.  “And humans simply took that to a different level.  You mongrels have strived for millennia to be better than others and to survive at all costs.  They destroy and create unnecessarily.  They call it innovation when in fact they have only hastened their own end.”

Gilgamesh leaned over, fingers tracing the hems of Kirei’s robes.  “I shall free those mongrels from their miserable lives soon enough.  Do you feel it?  The Holy Grail is readying itself for another war.  This time, I shall realise my wish and obliterate all human life on Earth.  Only those who are worthy of my rule shall survive when the time comes."

Kirei let the King disrobe him.  Gilgamesh seemed to be in one of his moods, one during which he was more or less content and just bored enough to initiate sexual contact with Kirei.  Kirei wasn’t the one to turn Gilgamesh, not when declination could mean instant death for him.

It was an especially hot midsummer night.  Sweat began to cover both their bodies, amplifying the sounds of skin sliding and slapping against skin.  Gilgamesh had mounted Kirei as he was prone to favouring positions of power.  His nimble fingers were gripping at Kirei’s shoulders, pushing him down to the sofa.  As if to contrast his outward disposition, however, there are hints of affection in Gilgamesh’s actions.  His kisses were tender instead of the biting kisses Kirei had grown accustomed to, his fingernails never digging far enough to break the skin on Kirei's shoulders and back.  The former Servant’s fingers had trailed up to Kirei’s hair at one point, gently tangled in the strands but not tugging at them.

 

Once Gilgamesh’s carnal desires had been satiated, he remained on top of Kirei with his body draped over Kirei’s.  His head rested on the spot where Kirei’s heart should be beating.  Gilgamesh was the first to fall asleep, leaving Kirei to listen to the King’s calm breathing and feel his heartbeat.

Kirei found himself nearly envying the Heroic Spirit.  His body was a creation of the Holy Grail yet it functioned like a regular human’s.  On the other hand, Kirei’s body was as dead as he had been on the night he was shot by Emiya Kiritsugu.  His body functioned, but the vital sign of life—a beating heart—was absent in him.

 

 

  
_God and his priests and his kings_  
_Turning faces_  
_Even they feel the_  
_Cold_

 

 

Nonetheless, Kirei could not abandon his faith.  It was the only thing that had not betrayed him in life.  Everyday, he went to the altar and prayed until he could forget.

 

 

  
_What you are given_  
_Can't be forgotten_  
_And never forsaken_

 

 

But the coldness in his heart could not be thawed. 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Please follow my [my tumblr](http://www.gilganyan-24.Tumblr.com) for occasional fic updates and general random fandom chaos 
> 
> ^♡^


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